HOW TO TALK TO YOUR GIRLS ABOUT GENDER BIAS

Sammi Scranton-Goldberg often talks to her nine- and 13-year-old daughters about gender bias. Sometimes, the conversation happens during a movie when a woman character is stereotyped as helpless and in need of rescue. Other times, she says something to her girls after a man cuts off a woman in the supermarket line.

“Talking to girls about gender bias unfortunately has to start early,” says Scranton-Goldberg, a mom and gymnastics coach from Livermore, California. “We have to teach girls to be ready to stand up for themselves.”

Scranton-Goldberg’s willingness to discuss gender bias with her kids is common: 76 percent of parents have had at least one conversation with their child about this topic, according to a recent survey of more than 2,000 parents with children aged nine to 17 by LeanIn.Org and SurveyMonkey.¹ These discussions are also happening frequently, with more than half of parents reporting they have brought up gender bias with their children in the past month.

Yet unlike Scranton-Goldberg, most parents don’t believe gender bias will negatively impact their daughters’ futures. Only one in six parents surveyed think their daughter has been or will be treated unfairly because of her gender. And only one in four parents of girls believe that gender will limit their daughters’ career path.

In reality, most girls experience unfair treatment from an early age. For example, teachers consistently rate girls’ STEM abilities lower than boys’, on average, even when girls are equally gifted.² And when racism is combined with gender bias, it leads teachers to unfairly rate some girls’ STEM abilities even lower—such as those of Black and Latina girls.³  As a result, fewer girls pursue STEM in college, even if they would like to.⁴ 

Parents’ unawareness of the lasting impact of gender bias on girls can have unintended consequences. Only two in five parents discuss with their daughters how gender bias might impact them personally. But experts agree that for girls to thrive, parents need to have these harder—but vital—conversations about what gender bias looks like and what to do when they encounter it.

That’s why these discussions are at the heart of our Lean In Girls program, which balances creating awareness about the barriers girls will confront with offering messages of empowerment. Caregivers can broach these topics with the girls in their lives in everyday ways. 

Here are some ideas for getting started: 

Get real with girls 

Parents should talk regularly about the existence of bias and how it shows up so that girls recognize it when it happens and don’t blame themselves for experiencing it. “Perhaps the least helpful thing parents can do is pretend it doesn’t exist,” says Shauna Pomerantz, a professor at Brock University and expert on child development. “This will only fuel frustration and disappointment when their daughters inevitably encounter it.” 

Parents might worry that talk of bias will discourage their daughters, but it actually empowers them and helps build their self-esteem as they grow into adults. Girls who hear messages from caregivers about the realities of gender bias tend to have better outcomes than those who don’t, says Seanna Leath, professor of psychology at Washington University in St. Louis.

It’s also helpful for girls to hear about their parents’ experiences of bias. By talking about how they navigated unfair treatment, parents can model for girls how to handle these situations themselves. Scranton-Goldberg does just that by talking about her experience as a women’s gymnastics coach: “At some competitions, the men coaches will try to overstep me. I’ve talked to my daughters about how I handle that and step up and ask for what my athletes need.” 

Balance real talk with messages of empowerment 

It’s important to pair conversations about gender bias with a discussion of girls’ strengths. “When parents focus too much on preparation for bias, it can harm girls’ mental health outcomes,” says Professor Leath. “Yes, acknowledge that there’s discrimination. But make sure your girls take pride in their accomplishments. Talk about how they can have a positive impact on the world.

Affirming messages should focus on girls’ concrete achievements, abilities, and future options. In contrast, vague and excessive praise, like telling girls, “You can do or be anything,” as over half the parents in LeanIn.Org’s survey do, can set unrealistic standards and contribute to perfectionism.

Find conversation starters in everyday life

Parents should be on the lookout for natural opportunities to talk about gender bias. You can notice and point out gendered dynamics in your kids’ stories about school or in shows and movies you watch together. “It’s about dropping nuggets when kids are feeling open to conversations, instead of lecturing,” says Professor Leath.

Unsurprisingly, mothers are more likely than fathers to talk to their daughters about this topic: only one in three fathers have ever talked about gender bias with their daughters. But men play a crucial role by showing their daughters that gender bias is worth taking seriously.

Josh Griggs, the father of two girls, age ten and 12, living in Atlanta, tries to be attuned to gender bias in his daughters’ experiences so he can help them recognize and combat it. When his older daughter came home talking about a boy who was “smarter” than her at school, he saw an opportunity to explain performance bias: our tendency to underestimate girls’ abilities and overestimate boys’.

“She was reading at the same level as he was,” says Griggs. “I wanted her to understand sometimes boys come off really confident and act like they’re smarter than you, but you are just as smart and capable.” 

If your kids aren’t starting the conversations themselves, Professor Leath recommends that parents look for ways to weave gender bias into conversations based on their kids’ interests. 

“Parents can point out that women’s sports receive less attention than men’s, and ask their kids, ‘Why do you think that might be the case?’ Or if your kids are interested in aerospace, you can tell them about women astronauts and mention how in the past, they weren’t allowed to work in most roles at NASA.”

Validate girls’ experiences and problem-solve together

It’s critical to listen actively and believe girls when they recount an experience of unfairness. “It can be really harmful when parents second-guess what daughters tell them,” says Professor Leath. “I’ve heard girls say, ‘My mom told me it wasn’t a big deal when that boy kept popping my bra strap. She said it was because he liked me.'”

Beyond thoughtful listening, try to help your girls problem-solve. This allows them to practice honing their skills in responding to bias, and it means they can experience self-efficacy—the feeling that they are capable of doing hard things. 

Scranton-Goldberg took this approach when her seventh grader shared that her PE teacher, a man, only picked boys to demonstrate skills, like doing a pushup. She encouraged her daughter to volunteer to demonstrate something herself and see what happened. 

“She raised her hand the next day and her teacher called on her,” said Scranton-Goldberg. “Since then he’s asked, ‘Who wants to volunteer?’ instead of just picking boys.”

If you found this article valuable, check out our “Challenging Stereotypes” session. In about an hour, you can take a small group of girls through a series of activities and discussions that go deeper on how to recognize, reframe, and push back against stereotypes and what girls can and can’t do.