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4 Ways To Help Girls Set Bold & Healthy Goals
At just 16 years old, Denver has already accomplished something remarkable: she’s the CEO of a teen-focused nonprofit that partners with major organizations like Second Harvest and No Kid Hungry. How did she do it?
It all started with a difficult turning point in Denver’s life: stepping away from her first passion, competitive tennis, which had become increasingly challenging due to bullying. Her mom, Deirdre, played a critical role in helping her make that tough decision. Deirdre also encouraged Denver to use what she’d learned to pursue something that truly mattered to her.
“We talked about how Denver could respond to being bullied in a way that would make her feel proud of herself,” says Deirdre. “Both now and in the future.”
Those conversations helped Denver set her next big goal: to support other teens and help them address pressing social issues. The following summer, after attending a business camp, she launched her nonprofit.
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Denver Humphrey of Orlando, Florida, with her mom, Deirdre
To help girls like Denver set goals that lead to fulfillment, adults like Deirdre have to strike a delicate balance: encourage girls to identify bold aspirations that align with their values while helping them avoid perfectionism and stress.1
Striking this balance is crucial because girls face unique hurdles when it comes to goal-setting. Girls are more likely to fear failure compared to boys, which can discourage them from taking on big challenges.2 They also face stronger external pressures that can fuel perfectionism, because they’re socialized to care more than boys about what others think.3
The good news is that adults can help girls set courageous, meaningful goals that support their growth and well-being. Here are four strategies to get started:
1. Create a safe space to talk about goals
When adults foster relaxed, open conversations about goals and aspirations, they create a space where girls feel comfortable sharing what’s important to them. Lucy, mother of 15-year-old Florence, shared some ideas about how to do this: “We’ll have ongoing conversations about her aspirations in the car or while I’m making dinner. I’ll ask her, ‘Where do you see yourself next year? How do you want to feel?’”
If the moment seems right, try asking questions that prompt your girl to think about bigger goals or longer-term plans: If you were looking back on your life, how would you want to be remembered? What do you think it means to have a good life and be a good person? Make sure to pause so she has time to think about her answer—and respond without passing judgment.
As Lucy noted, “You need to create an environment where your teens feel safe to talk to you in a real way.”
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Lucy and Florence Page from Kent, UK
You can also make goal-setting a special occasion or family tradition, like Deirdre did for Denver: “At the end of every year, we sit down as a family and set goals and make a vision board for the year. We started when she was seven years old. And we check back in monthly or as often as we need to.”
2. Help girls identify goals that reflect their values
One of the most powerful things you can do for your girl is help her align her day-to-day actions with her ideals. Research shows this alignment has tremendous benefits: when teens are working toward outcomes that speak to their values, it can improve their resilience, well-being, and chances of success.4
To help your girl identify her values, start by asking what kinds of positive actions she most admires. Is it standing up for others? Helping people in need? Creating useful or beautiful things? Or pursuing truth through research and learning? These are the kinds of questions that Deirdre asked to help Denver figure out the goals of her nonprofit.
You can then help your girl translate these actions into a short list of core values—for example, courage, knowledge, or social justice. It can be helpful to print out a list of common values and have her circle the ones that resonate most.
By focusing on their values, girls will feel more empowered to pursue goals that truly align with their deepest passions and authentic selves.
3. Coach girls to resist external pressures
Girls face significant pressure to meet others’ expectations—from popular culture as well as their family and peers.5 And when teens try to live up to others’ standards—especially when they don’t fully believe in them—it can lead to stress and anxiety.6 It’s therefore crucial for adults to keep up an open dialogue about these influences and offer guidance on how to thoughtfully resist them.
For Lucy, social media and TV offer an opportunity to do this with her daughter: “We look at everything and discuss it together. When Florence told me, ‘Everyone at school’s watching Love Island, I think I want to watch it.’ I suggested, ‘Let’s watch it together and decide.’ We tried it, and she didn’t like it. She said, ‘I’d rather stop and watch a film.’”
For Lucy, this approach is all about making sure Florence feels confident in—and proud of—her choices. “I’ve tried to give her the belief that just because we don’t watch Love Island doesn’t mean we’re not cool. We do other cool things; for example, we travel together and plan new countries to visit.”
You can also help your girl reflect on how her life would look without the weight of trying to meet others’ expectations—whether around her appearance, grades, or fitting into a certain social mold. A helpful activity could be to sit down together and jot down responses to questions like, How would your day look without worrying about judgment from others? This practice helps her see where external forces are limiting her decisions and how much freedom she could have if she released herself from their hold.
4. Help girls see the costs of unrealistic expectations
Setting high standards is valuable. But setting your standards too high—especially when you can’t fully control the outcomes—can lead to burnout and anxiety.7
You can help your girl identify when she’s placing too much pressure on herself by asking questions like, What sacrifices are you making when you’re trying to be perfect? This can help her recognize when the price of success is too steep. And when you see your girl taking on too much or pursuing activities that don’t serve her, remind her that it’s okay to say no or aim for “good enough.”
You can also alleviate her anxieties around success or failure by encouraging her to reframe success as progress rather than perfection. Brittany found a creative way to do this with her 12-year-old daughter, Cat, who is a competitive soccer player.
“To help Cat focus on the process instead of the outcome, her soccer coach and I have implemented ‘Bold Points,’” Brittany explains. “Cat gets a bold point for using her left foot, being the first to the ball, or sharing how she feels with her coach. It puts a positive focus on being brave and trying—instead of whether or not a goal is scored.”
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Supporting your girl in setting bold, healthy goals is about helping her navigate the pressures of perfectionism while fostering self-empowerment. By promoting self-reflection and the pursuit of personal, authentic goals, you’ll equip her with the tools to succeed without compromising her well-being. Ultimately, the key is teaching her that setting—and working toward—her aspirations is not about meeting others’ expectations. It’s about staying true to herself and striving for progress, not perfection.
If you found this article helpful, take a look at our Lean In Girls session Set Bold and Healthy Goals. In this one-hour meeting, you can take a small group of girls through inspiring activities that help them set courageous goals that help them build a future they will be proud of.
Footnotes
1
Belle Liang, Terese Lund, and Jill Walsh, et al., “Adolescent Girls Finding Purpose: The Role of Parents and Prosociality,” Youth and Society 50, no. 6 (2017), https://doi.org/10.1177/0044118X17697850.
2
Francesca Borgonovi and Seong Won Han, “Gender disparities in fear of failure among 15-year-old students: The role of gender inequality, the organization of schooling and economic conditions,” Journal of Adolescence 86 (2021), https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33302248/.
3
Shauna Pomerantz and Rebecca Raby, Smart Girls: Success, School, and the Myth of Post-Feminism (Oakland, CA: University of California Press, 2017); Karen D. Rudolph and Colleen S. Conley, “The Socioemotional Costs and Benefits of Social-Evaluative Concerns: Do Girls Care Too Much?,” Journal of Personality 83 (2005).
4
Tayyad Rashid et al., “Strength Based Resilience: Integrating Risk and Resources Towards Holistic Well-being,” in Cross-Cultural Advancements in Positive Psychology, vol. 8., Increasing Psychological Well-being in Clinical and Educational Settings, ed. G. Fava and C. Ruini (Dordrecht: Springer, 2014), https://doi.org/10.1007/978-94-017-8669-0_10; Pninit Russo-Netzer and Ofer Israel Atad, “Activating Values Intervention: An Integrative Pathway to Well-Being,” Frontiers in Psychology 15 (April 2024), https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1375237; Willibald Ruch and Lisa Wagner, “Character Building and Adolescent Development,” The Encyclopedia of Child and Adolescent Development (2019), pp.1–13, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781119171492.wecad333; G. Matheus Rahal and M. C. Caserta Gon, “A Systematic Review of Values Interventions in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,” International Journal of Psychology and Psychological Therapy 20, no. 3 (2020), https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-14790-009.
5
Perfectionism is increasing - article
6
Liang, Lund, Walsh, et al., “Adolescent Girls Finding Purpose: The Role of Parents and Prosociality.”
7
Hahna Patterson et al., “A Systematic Review on the Psychological Effects of Perfectionism and Accompanying Treatment,” Psychology 12, no. 1 (January 2021), https://www.scirp.org/journal/paperinformation.aspx?paperid=106424.